Dreaming In Silver Rainbows

Liam's date surprise was perfect. (Sorry I have not been back here to fill you all in on how great it was, but, work has been calling me 24/7 and a paycheck takes priority.) My boyfriend took some pity on me and said that we would be outdoors before he gave me one of those modelesque smiles and said that I looked good in anything. So blind folded and in comfortable clothing I was led to this park on his apartment buildings roof. Even though I have been to his apartment before, I definitely did not know such a pretty spot existed. There were twinkling flower shaped string lights, lots of green plants and flowers. Amongst a little nook surrounded by flowers was a table with small candles and a trolly next to it with two dome covered plates. Dinner was really nice, Liam remembered my pescetarian ways and there was nothing with a face anywhere near our meals. Unless of course you count the talapia that was on my plate along with its shrimp buddies. I think he is adopting vegetarian ways and I'm way happy with that. He had vegetarian lasagna. We sampled each others meals for a while before he suddenly wiped his mouth with the blue cloth napkin, picked a flower from a plant to his right and very smoothly put it in my hair. He always smells really really good... After dinner there was a nice chocolate desert. Chocolate pie with raspberry mouse and caramel flakes. I was happy to find out months ago that Liam, like me, does not consume alcohol. Sparkling apple cider on ice accompanied the whole meal. It was all amazing and his eyes are so intense, practically always.

After dinner we stayed on the roof and watched the moon sparkle the world below with the many stars around it. Then he blew out all the candles, grabbed the apple cider, covered the empty plates, and we went down to his place. There was a movie marathon, which I know he likes having as much as I do. We stayed up watching Star Trek movies, again the originals only. The following day I woke up to the smell of vegetarian bacon, tea, and the sound of House reruns. When I walked to the very edge of his kitchen, Liam was doing the moon walk...

I have never been this happy in a relationship and I almost don't know what to do with myself. Should I be expecting something intense and tragic to happen soon? Or should I just be happy and go with what is? Things are still great and going strong. Modeling with a few acting snippets in his roster I think Liam is happy too. So now what? Am I over analyzing?

Rock on to your own soundtrack dear ones.

~ Silver

Liam is either taking a little break from modeling or things have just been drying up a bit. Either way its really nice to have him accompany me to work everyday. He even dropped by the office yesterday with lunch. Of course Matt is still totally happy about this relationship that he and everyone else in the office pushed together; so he'll never get tired of having him around. As usual all of my stuff is done ahead of time and I can't tell if my boss is happy about me being able to do that or slightly peeved... He may be thinking of giving me time off again, who knows.

My boyfriend wants to take me out to dinner tonight. He surprises me just a little too much, but, I won't ever complain about that. I love the attention. Liam won't tell me where or when or even what I should wear so that I can plan an outfit around tonight. That's pretty frustrating since I love to wear what is appropriate. A very small hint from the gang has told me that he will choose an outfit for me... Not sure how I feel about that just yet.

Be certain that I will be back to fill you all in on the events of this night that I know nothing about... Live well and live happily.

~ Silver

Hi everyone! I'm sorry that I have not been able to keep you all up to date for the past weeks. Things have been hectic since my vacation time ended and Liam is quite good at sweeping me off of my feet. Of course his actions leave my boss and coworkers very happy. Not to say that I am not happy too... Okay, lets start with where I believe I left all of you hanging...

I saw Liam pretty early the next day, his flight wasn't going to leave for quite a few hours so he came by with breakfast and extremely pretty flowers. When I say pretty early I mean before the sunrise. He wanted to watch the sky change colors with me, or so he said with his perfect smile and perfect model hair. It was really nice and super sweet. He arrived with his luggage so that when he had to leave I could go see him off or he could just leave the hotel as late as possible. That was of course nice of him. Nice of him to give me the option. I took a quick shower and he was the perfect gentlemen, I never felt his eyes on me so I'm pretty sure that he never peeked. At the airport before he boarded his flight, he gave me a beautifully wrapped box with silvery purple ribbon bows and smiled a very knowing smile, then he was gone. After taking a picture of me holding the box with a puzzled look on my face of course. Liam Taylor has grown this lovely way of snapping camera phone pictures of me when I least expect it. Its both annoying, a little bit, and endearing.

I have accepted the fact that there is now someone who I care about. Before I made it a point to write off men in general, now I'm pretty happy. Tickled pink actually. Ever since that vacation has been over things between us has become more official. We had a long and deep conversation the night that he returned to Georgia. Even though I offered to meet him at the airport when his flight landed, he told me that he would see me at my hotel and not to worry. When he arrived, he arrived with flowers, damp hair, and a large envelope. In the envelope was a collage of all the pictures Liam has been taking of me and us over the months since we had met in the park. Amongst the photos that he had taken of me were pictures that my friends had work gave him. It was really sweet and of he was extremely cute that day. We practically spoke about everything that was relationship related. One of his questions that will stick with me for a very very long time was concerned with Film and the history of our relationship. At first i was a little confused about the reason that Liam would ask that. He wanted to know the basics, what I didn't want in a relationship and wether or not my heart was intact enough for a new relationship. His level of concern just made me like him more. Who knew that models were so deep...? That is besides the point though... Ever since then, he's been great and I've been great and its fantastic. All things are good in the world of Silver. Chivalry is not dead...

Until I have something else to gush over may good things rule the world and may all relationships be as awesome as the one I have going with Liam Taylor.

I have not posted in a while and I'm going to go ahead and blame it on timing, dates with Liam, and me being lazy ( Seriously!) I'm in Atlanta right now and I promise to thank my boss profusely for sending me away from the office. From my hotel room I have a great view of the Centennial Olympic Park. Its so pretty here this time of year. It was and wasn't a surprise to find out that Liam was going to be in Atlanta for a few projects around the time that I was in Atlanta... Hmm. I have to remember to ask Matt what strings he pulled, how quickly he tipped the model off, and exactly how much fun he had doing it. 

Even though I won't even mention it to Matt, having Liam Taylor around while I'm completely away from the stress of work and possible visits from the ex, is very enjoyable. Liam surprised me about a week ago with a beautiful set of red and white roses, japanese takeout, and two of m favorite movies Mr. And Mrs. Smith and the movie that should have had a sequel by now, The Italian Job. While I was not expecting him to show up at the door to my room at all, I was expecting the kiss even less. He caught me off guard. I had nothing to battle off the tactics that can be found in The Guide To Silver's Emotions: Lesson 101 At this point, I'm pretty sure that there is no longer a barrier for him to get through. Surprisingly enough the guy I was once trying to avoid, I'm starting to miss. Today he left Atlanta for a job at the other end of Georgia. He'll be back tomorrow. After that he plans to surprise me things that he couldn't mention because they are and will remain top secret. Why anyone would tell me that they have a surprise for me when it will be days before I get said surprise, I will never understand. 

Somewhere between the two flicks I fell asleep and he apparently did not have the heart to wake me up. I found myself in bed, beneath the covers. There was a post it note on the rooms phone. 

Your really pretty when you sleep. I didn't want to wake you. I have a really early flight to catch tomorrow. I will be back in time to surprise you with something new. You have no idea how much fun I have doing that, the look on your face every time makes it even more worth it. See you soon. ~ Liam

p.s. check your phone Miss Gorgeous

On my phone I found a picture of us on the couch. I was sleeping away on his shoulder. My hair was all over the place.  The next picture after that was of me in bed with the covers pulled up over my body. There was one more photo where he was holding another post it next to his face that said, See you tomorrow Silver. 

I'm really not sure what to do with myself now that I'm on vacation. People from the office called me this morning. Taylor wanted to know how things with Liam are going. Of course I would not answer that question, no matter how many times he asked me. Shirley gushed to me over how cute he is and then basically told me that if I wasn't going after him she would. Matt checked on my at about noon... If they want me to be on vacation why are they all calling me? My boss insisted that I should go somewhere besides just my apartment. I told him that I already had plans to but was not going to tell him where so that he could slip the info to Liam. He shamefully said that he had no idea what I was talking about. I laughed before saying that I had to go and hanging up. With all their pushing towards me giving Liam Taylor a chance, I cannot help but think about the guy. Bottom line, I don't want to date anyone right now. I also don't want to think of Film but he just keeps showing up here. Interestingly enough whenever he is there Liam is here and vice versa.

Today Liam showed up at my door with flowers.. They were just as beautiful as the last bunch he gave me. When he handed them to me, he smiled in a way that gave points to team 'Date Liam'. As I invited him in I noticed Film just getting off of the elevator.  Mouthing the word no after letting Liam in, I closed the door on whatever Film was saying. Perhaps it truly is time for me to start calling security whenever I see Film. I really do not want to though... 

Liam asked me out while he was standing in my living room. Against my better judgement or not, I accepted. The date is tomorrow because he has a photo shoot to go to today. However he did insist on the two of us grabbing lunch together. While part of me wants to give this a chance, the other part that is cynical to dating after Film, screams no. Will I be prepared to jump ship if Liam Taylor turns out to be the opposite of my dream guy? Or is this going to be a complete repeat of what happened before...? 

Very softly and completely chaste, he kissed me after asking me if he could. It was then that all the security locks on my paranoid heart fell apart. It may seem dumb, but, the way that he isn't at all rushing things is what has me liking him more than I want to. I wonder if he has taken a lesson from a book that I don't know of yet. A book that still has to be published. 'A Lesson In How To Get Under My Very Tough Skin.' Somewhere there may be a manuel that he has read and I just might be the one who gives up on the idea of shunning all relationships. 

He did not push it at all. Did not kiss me again until he left for his home. Just as chaste, just as uncomplicated. He left me in my apartment, very confused as well as pining in ways that I didn't want to be. 

Film came to my place today. He was here about ten minutes before Liam. I didn't notice who I had opened the door to until the front door was well... open. My ex didn't look sad or angry but he did not look happy either. Joy was not on my side when the first words out of his mouth had to do with the guy who walked me home the day before. I'm almost certain that Liam heard the argument. How could he not have heard it all or most of it? He was super sweet about it though. Didn't bring it up at all... Liam just made sure that I was okay and then dropped it. The flowers that he handed to me after telling Film that " Its time for you to leave, don't you think?" are gorgeous. He brought me an assortment of roses. Lilac roses mean love at first sight, which I really don't buy into. Light pink roses mean a joy to behold. So was he saying that I am a joy to behold that he has love at first sight syndrome over? When Film saw the roses I don't think he understood what they really symbolized. I got it though and even though he was out of the room I had to turn away for a few seconds. 

The biggest thing on my mind right now, is the fact that after Film, I really cannot even think about dating again. The flowers are beautiful, he's really nice, and no matter what all of his wonderful qualities cannot allure me in. 

So it turns out that Liam really is a model. My coworker pals decided to get me all sorts of info on the dude. They are meddling, I know they are. I also know that they saw me after Film. It was my work family that kept me company that week. I must admit that Liam Taylor is a very attractive man. He is. Yesterday he showed up at the office, where Matt does not want me for the rest of this month, with white orchids. Liam Taylor brought me flowers and looked amazing with his $50,000 smile. (Its rumored that every picture he smiles in earns him at least $50,000. Hmm.) He kissed my hand and asked if I would like to catch lunch. Of course Matt kicked me out of the office. (Traitor!) 

Liam Taylor has very nice hands, is very respectful, and made me blush twice. He never tried to kiss me. Not even once. Insisted on paying for lunch "Even though I'm sure this is not a date."  He smelled really (no REALLY) good and is pretty smart. We never ran out of stuff to talk about. By the time we got back to the office, I was all smiles. He asked me if it would be alright to come by the office to see me on the following day. Matt who was blatantly spying coughed out that I was not supposed to be at work for the following month and that I was free to go home. The first model to really ever have my attention took me home, removed flower petals from my hair before asking me if he could call me later. The most charismatic and gorgeous male model I have ever laid eyes on watched me get into my building before walking away with my cell phone number. Matt will be happy and perhaps a little bit proud...

Somehow I ended up in central park today. Had lunch there when Mark shooed me away from the office while he laughed at my well behaved demands to be paid for the extra two weeks he wants me to take off. I was there on a semi assignment and a semi trip away from the lovely office. Central Park is a very big place. Humongous. Of all places that couples could go to hang out with their loved ones, why are they choosing the park on the one day that I felt the need to go back there after Film and I broke up? Why go to that particular park couples? Why? Not too long ago i shunned relationships. Not too long ago I wished that I had never ever gotten involved with anyone. Today in Central Park, I literally bumped into the most beautiful man I had ever laid eyes on. 

Just because someone is attractive on the outside doesn't really mean much in the long run. He was kind. Kind with an amazingly enticing voice and eyes that I will probably dream about. Just when I thought that maybe i could get away for awhile and go on a vacation that involved parties and glances that led to nothing, someone who actually showed interest comes along. He showed interest, major interest. Taylor, Ylsa, and Clark all encouraged his desire to make the spilling of hot coffee down my  satin jacket less painful. I suppose that the worst of the worst would be that Clark and Taylor gave him my office number when I was not looking. The most decent thing ever would be that the pair didn't hand out the digits to me cell. In my own defense..., the very last thing I need or want right now is a rebound guy. I'm positive that no man really wants to be any ladies rebound dude. Then again, the world is a crazy place and i often enough we never know. 

His name is Liam. The very first thing that popped into my mind after he so brightly smiled at me with his incredibly shiny hair, killer smile, and bright eyes; was that his name backwards spells mail. About twenty seconds later he made a joke about his name being mail backwards. Once he was out of sight I thought about how familiar his face looked. Like I have seen him before. Those eyes have indeed met mine in a different situation. My pal coworkers have big mouths and I can guarantee you that before the end of tomorrow Mark will know about Liam. That won't be such a bad thing though, maybe I can bug him into telling me if Liam is someone of importance to the world of print. Not that that would make me want to call the guy. 

Nothing will make me want to commit to anything again. Nothing. 

There he is. For the fourth night in a row, Film is standing outside of my apartment building. He's pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. The first night I told him to go home as nicely as possible. The second night I said the exact same thing. When the third night rolled around, I left him to his own devices. Tonight I'm thinking about making a call down to security and telling them everything. While Film is not bothering, at all, he is making me nervous. Tonight is uncharacteristically chilly for this time of year and one thing I don't wan to see is Film ill. Still, what does this all mean? It was his actions that devastated me and not the other way around, right? Him making out with Music in front of me while I held a gift that had taken me hours to put together with care had to have hurt more than him figuring out that he lost me. 

While part of me wants to forgive him, the part of me that remembers how long it took him to realize that he was (and apparently still is) an idiot was just too long. I had too much time to think. Too much time to realize that being without him was a whole lot better than being with him. I am not a little thing to be toyed with and then tossed to the side. I am Silver, a strong and independent young woman with standards. Film is beneath my standards and obviously so is Music. Luckily for me, I am getting a few days away from the office. According to Mark, I have clocked way too many hours for a normal person. So he's giving me two weeks off with pay. How yummy is that? Even better my gorgeous boss has demanded that I book a decent vacation for at least two weeks. I think he wants me to have more than two weeks off, but, hey I'll only get payed for those two so that will not be happening. At least a week away from here won't be bad for me at all. Its a nice time to take a trip to San Fran, Boston or even D.C. I can relax in the hotel brand that I have always loved so much. And I can have all that time to myself. 

It will be a writing vacation. Write a lot. Watch lots of movies and catch up on tv shows. (ie drool over the cuteness of Dr. Reid) Maybe I can even check out the local nightlife there. Tourism partying is so not in my avenue,but, I have never had a problem with the local life. Hmm... Maybe if I push hard enough Mark will give me more than two weeks...

Film is no longer outside. Maybe he just went back to his own apartment. Hopefully.

Film needs to stop calling me, texting me, and showing up at my apartment building. Its borderline stalking. I, at the moment, don't really care to elaborate on his new antics... I don't want him back, I'm not interested. Something safe. I need something safe. Something like fictional characters...

I will bury my head into the greatest novels of the world and the antics of my current tv crush. T.V. characters are all fictional and so no harm no foul. For now, all relationships are overrated. 

One of my coworkers, if not all of them, seem to have noticed that I am not as happy as I was with Film. So she is intent on finding me a date. I don't want to go out on a mysterious date with anyone else. Ever. It is going to be really hard to get out of though. While I have not met the person that Stacy intends to set me up with, I need to make sure that knows I don't want to go out with anyone. Not anyone. Not anyone like ever... it won't matter what he looks like, what he wears, how he talks, what humors him, or anything else. All that will really matter in the long run is how much they both want to leave me alone. As much as I love to fight it, I'm still unfortunately in love with Film. As much as I would love to forget about him, he still finds his creepy little way into my line of sight. I remember the clearest things at the oddest times. However, i really really do not want to. I really do not want to remember what we were, what took place, or where my heart is going/staying. 

All i want to do is forget. To forget is an awful thing. 

In my apartment I am pacing. Pacing away the memories of what Film and I used to be. No matter what, I cannot let him get to me in that way. My emotions are under control, my control and not his. 

"Just let me make it up to you."

That's what I heard him say before the door to my place slammed shut. He can't ever make this up to me. My heart was once his and now its just not his at all. The more that I think of it the more that I remember what being his girlfriend felt like. The walks in central park. The music festivals we would go to together, just the two of us or with Music sometimes. The way he would surprise me with trips to the science center, and of course what he would look like every time he read one of my stories or articles. 

Who would it hurt if I just went to bed early? Probably no one... It may only be eight o'clock but if I go to sleep now, I can stay away from everything. Unless of course they find me in my dreams. 

Irony arrived on my doorstep last night. It got to my apartment building before I did. Waiting on the stairs that were off to the side of the building was non other than Film himself. Its been a long time since I spoke to him or Music. Its been months upon months. 

"Hey gorgeous."

I heard him before I saw him. Half way through the door into the lobby, I had to look around before I noticed him. The very moment his eyes touched mine I had to look away. If my ex was attractive before, he sure had no reason to change it, but there was a brand new level of rugged to his previously dashing demeanor. Still facing the entrance I glanced back at him hesitantly. 

"Film."

When he looked at me the feeling that his eyes were staring down my hopes and dreams I quickly looked away. 

"What do you want? Be quick I don' have all afternoon and I don't plan to stay out here talking to you. There are far better things for me to do and see."

His extremely attractive small dimmed a little. 

"Okay... I just wanted to talk to you very quickly. Ask you to forgive me. I don't know what I was thinking, and... And you never let me tell you what was really going on. Please let me explain and if you don't want to even see me afterwards I'll leave you alone. I promise."

Still not looking in his direction, I coughed. 

"Why should I hear you out. Its over and everyone should just be moving on."

"Maybe... Maybe its over for you, but its not even remotely over for me. Just hear me out and if you never want to see me again then I'll never bug you after this."

With a quick nod of my I walked through the entrance. The security guy who was sitting behind the desk towards the left of the tinted entrance doorway smiled at me.

"Good evening you look well today. A package arrived for you during Grant's shift."

He pulled a medium sized decorative box from behind the desk and placed it on the counter. The packaging looked expensive yet thoughtful. Film stopped off to my right before I walked over to the security desk. 

"Taylor! Its nice to see you. How is everything and everyone?"

When I had the flu his wife had made me soup and his seventeen year old daughter was sent to check on me every afternoon for three weeks. it was really really nice. They were all really really nice. The kind of nice that most people who live somewhere like N.Y. stop believing in. 

"Dana is doing great and so are the kids.", he smiled like a man who was proud of his family. 

"That's great. I heard about Dena's early acceptance letters. You must be so proud of her.", I smiled. 

If I could prolong the time I had to spend talking to Film about whatever he thought would make what happened to us so long ago okay, then I was going to do it for as long as possible. 

"Yeah. She's excited.", he shrugged, "But I am full of a father's apprehension. Sending my first daughter off to school won't be easy. "

"Of course not she's your first baby. Once she leaves the nest the ball gets rolling. Soon the other girls will be out of the house and then its going to be Troy. They are all such good kids though. You know them like the back of your hand. Don't worry."

Quickly I glanced back at Film. 

"Have a great evening and say hello to the fam for me."

"Will do Ms. S. Have a good night."

For a few seconds I thought about taking the stairs up to my floor instead of the elevator. The box and his presence close to my right changed my mind. The ride up three floors was quiet but annoying. I could feel his eyes on me. The hole that they were drilling into the skin at the base of my neck was sizable. When the metal box of wires and platic buttons announced its arrival to our destination I was in a hurry to leave. Before we were back to my door he stopped me. 

"Silver.", his left hand was cool and a little clammy. If I remembered correcly that meant that he was nervous. Pushing the slew of questions about what he had to be nervous about to the back of my mind I looked up at him. 

"What do you want Film?", I pulled my right arm out of his soft grasp. One of the things I did not want him to do, ever again, was touch me in any way what so ever.

"I... What happened that night wasn't meant to happen. You were running behind at the office and I totally understood. I was not really expecting you to be there that night anyway.", his right hand went sifted through his hair. It had gotten longer and with the very suave and rugged look a new kind of handsome was born. 

"is that all you have to say? If it is, I have to excuse myself. Things to do and so forth."

"No wait. The package is from me... I have not been able to stop thinking about you since that night. I just.. Open if here and if you don't want it I'll take it back."

I glanced down at the box. It wasn't heavy but it was not light either. Looking back up and in his general direction, I sighed. My day had gone well. I got everything done. Some on time and some ahead of schedule. It would be nice for my life at home to be drama free. After all office drama made work more than interesting, school demands kept me on my feet, and if things at home could be calm, cool, and collected I would be a very happy lady. Looking into his eyes for a moment that lasted longer than I would have liked, I stared at him. Openly. I openly stared at the man who had convinced me that life was everything I thought it wasn't before ripping my heart out and tossing it into a blender. 

"You are unbelievable. I don't want a gift from you and I don't want to listen to you trying to claw your way out of the hole you made yourself."

For the past few days my attention has mostly been spent on a paper that I have opted to rewrite. I'm close to the wire but I don't like the document. Of all the things to go wrong must my writing skills and devotion to doing everything early be put to the test now? This paper, this entity that I pretty much started hating last week, is sucking the life out of what I enjoy in this area of schooling. All I want to do is write a lot and change the world through the personality of my fingertips. I'm beginning to think of other schools. Other ways to take this English major and make more of it than lab work and math classes will permit. (I don't like labs, they are cold and impersonal. Math is very impersonal as well.)

My manifesto has not changed any. My chosen ways to get to goal post one on my way to the pot of luck has been altered though. So... maybe a few hours of sleep, a nice fruit salad, and a chai latte will ease the drama from my mind. What's more important than thoughts of Film and Music? Me producing an amazing paper for a class that I am really starting to hate. 

I suppose that it was bound to happen. We don't exactly live that far apart and are so used to frequenting the usual places. Still ahead of the deadlines for work and school, I am ahead of one particular area by a landslide, I wanted to grab a little take out before heading home. The best japanese restaurant in the city, in my opinion, is about ten minutes from my place. The night had not truly begun at the time and I made sure to call in my order before I even left the office. Little did I know how thankful I would be for that later. The place was mostly empty when I got there. Greeting Mr. Tsu's daughters and his niece before the large brown bag was placed into my hands; I was happy to see that the Tsu's were alright and that the business was still doing well. During the tough times it is only his wife and her sister that take serve the seated area while he works the front end. As I pulled out my form of payment for the meal I heard the door jingle behind me. I did not look but I felt at least two pairs of eyes on me from different angles. Jade gave me a very soft look as she took my debit card. Looks like that from her were always hard to decipher,but, I could gather that the customer behind me was someone that she thought I knew. Mr. Tsu had walked towards the kitchen area and before I saw him returning, I heard his greeting of the people behind me. 

"Ahh Music. Long time no see! How have you been?"

Great! i did not say anything. I did not move. I patiently waited for Jade to hand me the receipt to sign, the receipt to keep, and my slim sliver of plastic. The slender black pen that she handed me was cool between my fingers. In a quick smooth flow my signature was on the white piece of paper. There was a party of three at least, including Music. I ignored everything but the task at hand as they were seated. After giving a warm smile to the young lady in front of me and wishing her a good afternoon, I turned to leave. Right there less than two inches from me was Music. Had he quietly walked out of the seating area just to see me? Or something? It really did not matter because I had nothing to say. With a cool smile and a nod of my head in his direction I walked out of the building. He walked out after me. 

"Silver."

I kept walking. I was not going to fight, I was not going to cry, and I was not going to let a very good day be ruined by one person. So I never stopped and I never turned around. 

"Silver please. Please talk to me."

My pace quick pace slowed down a little bit. I was not about to stop walking, no matter what. I guess he still new me well. At least well enough to hurry his way towards me in the hopes that I would talk to him. 

"He really misses you. So do I."

'So. I have mourned the loss of Firefly for years. He'll  get over it. This relationship wasn't as good as even half an episode...'

I kept quiet. I kept quiet because I really did not believe him. I didn't believe him and I was not going to have a sucky night because someone who had not spoken to me for almost two months wanted to be in my good graces. If Film wanted to apologize, he knew where I was. He also knew where to find me. Clearing my throat lightly, I turned my face towards his general direction. 

"I think everything should stay the way it is right now. I have some place to be so please excuse me."

Film's right hand found its way around my wrist and then I was suddenly facing him again. His appearance had not changed at all. His hair was still awesome, longer though. A breeze traveled past us and I counted to five in my mind before I pulled away. 

"Don't. Just don't. I have nothing to say to you or him about anything."

"Silver please, I'm really sorry. I want to fix this."

"I don't want you to fix anything. I want you and Film to leave me alone. You both knew how things were before I met either of you and how much I can't stand cheaters and liars. If he wanted to break up with me, that would have been fine. I would have gotten over it. I want you both to stay away from me."

The rest of the walk was quick and quiet. Pushing the memories and concerns for the two friends that had joined the list of backstabbers that I knew; I let myself into my apartment. Tonight was mine all mine. I was going to share it with my favorite t.v. show characters and feast away on sushi, soup, and a few cookies that I brought back from the office. 

I should write a book. A manual actually. I should right a manual on the different ways to avoid other people and the messes that stand between you and them. Paint drying on the walls of wherever seem more interesting to me than even the idea of holding a conversation with Music or Film. Hmm. Wonder why that is...

School and the awesomeness of crime shows have kept me busy. Work has kept me even busier. So even though I should have time to fix the damages to the relationships that I hold dear; I don't. No really. I really really don't have time for any of it. Okay so maybe I do... Maybe I am ahead of the work for my classes and things are great and ahead of schedule at work. However, the free time that I would normally spend with the two men that I now do not want to spend even five minutes with is being distributed very well. I'm sure that my television has notified my favorite shows of my new found and securely renewed devotion to them all. Ben & Jerry's love me more than my so called best friends do. I see them every week as a reward for keeping up with my eat only what is good for you lifestyle. Although poor B & J may soon enough be off my reward yourself list in exchange for Tofuti. 

In my dreams as of late, I have been meeting a few characters from my favorite shows for brunch and a hangout session. Ohh the joys of my dearest imagination. Sometimes i want to move in there and just never move out. The real world needs me a little bit too much though. Certain parts of the real world do not need me at all. (ie. Film and Music)

Completely ignoring the walls that stand between me and my best friends, I re started a weekend ritual that had died the very moment I met Music. I used to devote my weekends to my couch and my always growing collection of dvd's. I was not at all up to date with Criminal Minds last season so this weekend was a very long opportune moment. Even though he is just a character on a very well loved show, Spencer Reid might be the man of my dreams. He's incredibly smart, he's not Film, he loves Star Trek the way I love Star Trek, and he's always really nice. Not to say that Film isn't a nice guy... Of course he is or I would not have gotten involved with him. The huge catcher is that no t.v. character is ever real. If my adoration for someone that is not a real person does not say anything about my current relationship issues; what does?

I would also like to send out an honorable mention for Derek Morgan, if Reid did not exist you would be my one and only. Perhaps its bad that instead of dealing with the issues between me and the guys at the moment, I am choosing to ignore them and pay more attention to what only a show can bring forward. 

Hello darlings! I hope that while I was caught up in the throws of English Lit. I have not been missed too much. Still angry with Film, I have not payed him very much attention. Then again, I seriously doubt that the jerk missed me. I don't even think that he thought about me. Not even a little bit.

The authors that have saved my mind and heart from the travesty of regret and 'Oh look I'm depressed over this crappy relationship' syndrome; I owe a lot. Thank you Jhumpa Lahiri for reminding me why relationships suck. I really needed that you know. I mean after everything that has happened between me, my on hiatus or ex boyfriend, and Music... anything could happen. Nothing makes me want to walk away from this all like the memory of what he did with our bond. 

Music has not exactly been a saint friend either. We are not talking to each other. The two people that I have called my best friends in the world are not really my friends at all in this moment. Music and I have been fighting over my relationship with Film. Yesterday he hung up on me. Something that he knows very well I will see as a rude action. I have not made any effort to call him back. No emails, no text messages, not a single form of communication has passed from me to any of them. They have not made an effort to contact me either. And so we all wait in limbo. 

Lately I have been wondering to myself about Film and Music. I never ever want to be the jealous girl friend that people tell horror stories about. I also do not want to be the one who gets hurt in this relationship because I made excuses for everything. Even though the three of us are super close, there is always tension between us. Tension between Music and me, then there is the invisible wall of who knows what between Music and Film. 

Twice already I have thought about calling it quits solely because of the invisible wall between us all. Where exactly has the easy going friendship gone? One of my favorite songs off of the soundtrack for Shrek 2 is Frou Frou's 'I Need A Hero'. There is nothing even remotely heroish about the way that things are going between Film and I. Lets call it tension for now. The same exact tension is between Music and I... In my mind there is something very wrong with this picture. Meeting at our usual hangout the three of us got into an argument over the best movie ever made. What started out as a friendly set of disagreements turned into a low blow set of insults between Film and Music. At first I couldn't believe what i was hearing. Talking to each other like they were now was not at all usual. I quickly stood up and started to gather my things before leaving. If they were going to argue with each other like that, I did not at all want to be near by. It was awhile before either of them even started to notice. Films hand found its way around my left wrist. And that was where the real argument began. 

"I'm leaving. I don't argue like this with my friends or my boyfriend. When you two grow up, call me."

"Silver your overreacting.", he huffed in an almost dismissive way. 

"Me? I'm overreacting? Like I said.. call me when you figure out how to be adults."

I walked away and Film followed me out until Music stopped him. 

Dear Film, darling...

I am not quite sure wether or not you know this, but, you might just be the best person I have ever met. (Besides God of course... although I have not really met Him face to face if you know what I mean.)

You, Music, and Lit. have always been the best friends that I have ever had. The three of you bring me great joy. But, over time I think that I may have fallen in love with you. I hope that my feelings for you will not be squashed like a beautiful flower beneath an uncaring war lord's boot cladden feet. If what you are thinking right now is "What? Why do you love me?", then here is my answer.

Why Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

1. You have always, always been loyal to me. Never have you left me stranded, unlike some other people that I have known.

2. Never in all the years that I have known you have you been disrespectful or unkind. You are a true gentlemen.

3. I know that you feel it too. You know you love me. :)

4. Our hands fit together perfectly.

5. Do you remember that time we hung out at the fair? I do too... It totally should have been a date, right?

6. I will never forget the days that I was sick with a serious infection and you took care of me. While the antibiotics, o.j., soup, tea, and gatorade helped... the many dvd's that you gave me made everything so much bettter. Even more so, you staying around my germ infested body for almost a month was really sweet.

7. Have I mentioned that I know you love me? Well I do. Only love would give me a series of movies like Star Trek on dvd and bear my extreme moments of joy and then take me out to eat too.

8. I'm not blind. And even if I were, I would still be able to tell that you love me.

9. Only a man like you could give me a movie like Serenity after corporate idiots decided to let Firefly die. That only speaks many many volumes of loyalty and love.

10. We are the perfect match. We fit together like honey and peanut butter, like Lois and Clark, like Christian Bale and a bat suit... You know you love me. Mwah darling.

P.S. Forget about itunes, she doesn't love you like I do...

I would like to say that Music is my bff, but, the two of us have yet to officially meet. So for the time being I am dating Film. Who knows really, Film and I may be together forever. Not that the two of us always agree. We really don't. Yet, all the time we agree to disagree with each other. He loves working with all sorts of scripts and nifty little (or great) tricks. While I can't stand the very idea of horror flicks. Or things like High School Musical, which is a horror flick in its own special way. The things we always get together on are absolutely fabulous! Good action flicks like Batmen Begins, V For Vendetta, and Iron Man. When I was up for it, the darling man gave me films like Love Actually, Sense and Sensibility, and Two Weeks Notice. If I'm in the need for sci fi, Film understands that Star Trek is not the same as Star Wars. He gets that I don't want to hear about George Lucas and sci fi in the same sentence.

Besides the mistakes that my love of the moment makes, he is very loyal and understanding. And so he always makes up for his errors. When he knew the terrible news of Friday The 13th would get to me; he was sure to include beautiful things like Taken and rentals like Dark Kight.

In the near future, I will be posting my letter to Movies/Films. Stick around, I always have something interesting to say.

In the year that is still to come, there are quite a few things that I want. Who does not have a super powered list for the new year? (like no one...) Anyway, if music was a person (one person) and I could ask him or her for anything that my heart desired; this would be my tiny little list of requests. For more fun, I would send that person a letter. In this letter below, I'm just going to go ahead and make Music a woman. Because ladies are everywhere.

Stella Ciel
4432 Use Your Imagination Lane
Lifetime Upclimb, Anywhere 00000

Dear Music, thank you so much for reading this letter. I hope that the holidays have been good to you and your loved ones. As you know Miss Music there are quite a few things wrong with the music industry today. Below I have listed the things that I want to be changed. Thank you so so much in advance.

1. Punish those that behave badly. Adults are adults so they are way past tantrums and terrible behavior. Their first offense, depending on the severity of the act, gets a small tap on the wrist. A warning. The second offense, still depending on the severity of the act, gets a medium sized punishment. Not too harsh, but not exactly a timeout sort of thing either.
After that all the training wheels are off. Stupid acts should lead to musicians automatically having their rights to make music revoked. Those rights should be taken away until they stop behaving badly. When they have proven that they have learned their lesson and are ready to act like an adult; they should have their rights to work in music studios, make music videos, and be on television (especially live tv) restored.

2. Award shows. How many award shows does the public really need to be exposed to? This kind of goes beyond the music industry, so I know that there is only so much you can do... Still though, in my opinion there should be only a certain number of music award shows. Do VH1 and MTV really need to have different shows for that purpose? I don't think so. Considering that MTV is more popular than VH1, I say let them have that one.
The rest I leave to you since I am aware that there are different areas of interest. (like the Billboard Latin Music Awards and so forth)

3. Music videos. It is terrible that stations that were made with the intention to play music/music videos are now chock full of drama's that quite a few people don't care about. I for one do not care about the Hills. I know that many people are into shows like that, but, I and quite a few people are not. Yes, the internet is the new musical hero, but... Come ON!

4. The paparazzi. Need I say more?

For now that is the extent of my list. I did not want to put forth too much. Once again, thank you in advance.
Stella Ciel